I don’t actually play Batman: Arkham Asylum on the PS3, but I figured that shoving an entire keyboard up Ken’s cartoonish ass would be a bit excessive. I am playing this awesome marvel of gaming on my PC, which has its inherited merits and flaws. The up side is that the game looks awesome on my computer. The downside is that the game program is something called a ‘console port’. This means that they took the game for the Xbox and almost made it work well on the PC. All things considered, it still has excellent game play on my computer, at least compared to the AWFUL Spider-Man Web of Shadows port that came out last year. That one almost made me cry. True story.
Has anyone out there watched that new show called ‘The Vampire Diaries’? It’s on the CW network, so a person could accurately guess absolutely everything about the show. For the most part, it’s a generic teen semi-hip quasi-drama where immaculately gorgeous 25 year old teenagers with generically exotic names in an upper middle class town bluntly weave themselves together with each others’ emotional drama… with vampires. Once upon a time the addition of vampires could spruce up damned near anything in my eyes, but those rosy days of my youth took place before a television show called ‘Vampire: The Embraced’ broke my fucking heart like it was Fredo Corleone and I was Michael. Ever since then my mental picture of vampires is that of skinny emo crackers sashaying around Victorian houses with innumerous drinking goblets within easy reach of their perfectly and hygienically manicured hands. Basically, popular media has turned them into pretty sissies, idiots, or pretty sissy idiots. ‘The Vampire Diaries’ is no exception.
You already know the good vampire, even if you’ve never seen him. He’s brooding and gorgeous. He has an appropriately pretentious name like Stephan, or Liger, or Umulat, or some stupid damned thing. He’s a vampire but he doesn’t kill people anymore, so he’s basically a big fluffy house cat that used to be a tiger. Oh, and of course, just so that they don’t miss the shitty boiler plate prerequisites for any Hollywood production about an immortal, there’s a hot 24 year old 17 year old that looks EXACTLY like his long dead love. They’re NOT EVEN TRYING!!!!
And of course there’s the bad vampire. His name is pretentious too, but not as pretentious as the good guy’s. He’s gorgeous. He does kill people, happily, and with the repetition of faceless death that we have come to associate with the CW’s shows. He has sworn to ruin/ ridicule/ stalk/ sabotage/ etc… the good guy’s life. This is a vow that he made a century ago and he still adheres to it, ‘cause that’s how he is, damn it. For decades, he has hunted his self styled enemy. For over a hundred years. Over 5200 weeks. Well over 36,500 days. What I’m trying to say is that he has meted out his unchanging hatred and enmity toward the good vampire for a long fucking time, right? If this show lasts, I predict that their dynamic will go through more evolutions and changes in the next four years than it had in the faceless century that built up to it. That’s the boiler plate plotline, folks. It’s gonna fucking happen.
We are left with the orphan/ victim/ hero/ hottie girl that the good vampire has loved with all of his heart for the entire 37 hours that he has known her. She is smart, gorgeous, friendly, gorgeous, pensive, and gorgeous. At first she can’t fathom why she is so attracted to this super fine chunk of fit manhood that shows up every time she turns around. Literally. In the premier episode, she turned around about ten times and every time there he was, standing silently and staring at her with unblinking intensity right at the very edge of where her aura stops. A hot vampire/model does that and it’s considered passionate and sensual. I do it and I get a face full of mace and a few kicks to the crotch. That, my friends, is the major difference between the CW’s world and the real world. In the real world, if the authorities discover a corpse in the woods that looks like it was ripped apart by an animal, they do forensic work. They look for animal hair, or they look at the bite marks to figure out what kind of animal it was and when it killed the victim. In the CW world the police nod at the body, cover it with a white sheet, and then immediately give interviews to the news crews while medics load the mutilated body into the back of the ambulance. And that’s it. Case solved. Time for coffee. This is the CW folks.
The uninspired fuckers who write this crap make tons more money than I do. Does that seem right to you?